"There's a fight! There's a fight on the playground!"
How to help.
The words echoed through the building as staff and children raced outside to see what was happening. Next to the monkey bars, they heard Caleb and Don calling each other ugly names and saw them throwing punches. As the two 10-year-olds were being separated, the playground director suspected that the problem was with Don.
Don was a bossy child, prone to conflict. He demanded to be first in line, had trouble waiting his turn, and showed little respect or empathy for others in his group. He probably had pushed his way to the head of the line, cutting in front of the others waiting their turn, and this time, Caleb had stood his ground and refused to let him in.
Don's aggressive and impulsive behaviors had made him the most dreaded child in the after-school play group. The other children avoided him like the plague, and the more persistent he became, the more they isolated him. Hoping to find a way to help Don improve, the director asked for a conference with his parents. When they arrived for the appointment, the director understood why Don behaved as he did.
Both parents accused the playground director of lying and singling out their child as a scapegoat. They minimized Don's aggressiveness, saying, He's all boy, and that's what boys do, and they insisted that at home, Don was a perfect child, polite, well-behaved, angelic. They also insisted that they were the perfect parents, kind, considerate, and disciplined.
From his office window, the director watched Don's parents walk to the bus stop. He could hear them arguing and blaming each other for Don's actions. When the bus arrived, Don's father shoved his wife aside to step onto the bus first. The director sighed with frustration. He realized the challenges that lay ahead as he and his staff would try to help Don develop socially acceptable behaviors.
Before opening the door to the next set of parents he had invited for a conference, the director took a deep breath and steeled himself for what was to come. Opening the door, he began with, Welcome. Thank you for coming. I've asked you here so we can talk about Mary Faye. I've had complaints that she is hitting other children on the playground.
Eighteen-year-old Lisa Lebovitz laughs at the mention of Mary Faye. I remember a girl like Mary Faye, she begins. We were best friends in kindergarten. Her parents were going through a really tough divorce. Whenever we played, she would try to beat me up. Not anything really mean, just things like push me into the sandbox. And she always had to win at games. Lisa remembers talking to her mother about it. My mom told me the reason she was being mean was because her parents weren't being nice to her, and she was taking it out on me.
Of course, at age five, I didn't care what her parents were like; I only wanted to play with her, and I wanted her to go back to being nice to me!
Both Don and Mary Faye exhibit common behaviors found in troublemakers on the playground. For those supervising these children, it often feels like an uphill battle since many parents seem to have become less involved and less accepting of responsibility with their children. Staff work hard to teach model social skills during the day, only to have them sometimes lose their consistency when the child goes home at night.
It is important that staff members not minimize the significance of the job they are doing. Teaching and reinforcing basic social skills is one of the greatest life gifts playground staff can give a child. However, in order to increase their understanding of a child's actions, it is helpful for staff members to have training that enables them to look beneath the surface, to the physiological level, in order to make sense of a child's behaviors.
For instance, knowing that Mary Faye's parents are divorcing can lead to the suggestion that the child see a counselor who can help with adjustment issues. In Don's case, playground staff might wonder if he has an underlying social or psychological problem that affects his behavior. Could it be possible that he and other members of his family have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or Asperger's syndrome, a pervasive developmental disorder where the brain has difficulty understanding social interactions? Or is child abuse involved? Is a family member deployed with the military? Does the family experience overcrowding or poverty, and is Don's behavior linked to ways of interacting that ensure survival?
TEACH, PRACTICE, REWARD
In addressing the behaviors day to day, teaching and having children practice expected patterns of social interaction are key. Children too often are told what NOT to do, and they fail to be shown by adults what TO DO. In Don's case, he needs to be told clearly what he is expected to do, and he and a staff member could practice these actions, including waiting in line together, and taking turns together. If a reward system is possible, Don could receive a chip or marble whenever staff members see him doing the right thing. Kept in a cup or a jar, he could see how long it takes him to fill it up. Remember that frequent rewards at the front end are necessary, and intermittent rewards after the behaviors have been achieved help the child maintain them.
TIME AND ATTENTION
Children whose home lives are difficult thrive when time with caring adults is offered. There is great power in listening and empathy.
DEMONSTRATE OBSERVATION
Neuroscientists report that the majority of human learning is visual. By illustrating the skills observation — pointing out how other children interact positively with one another — the troublemaking child can achieve insight into social mores and normal behavior patterns.
TEACH LEADERSHIP
Playground troublemakers who harness their unruly behaviors have the potential to become leaders in their groups. Help children tap into this ability by giving them leadership tasks. Teaching empathy is a good idea. Tasks such as serving snacks and helping younger children open their drinks and food packages teach empathy.
How can you help if there is a fight on the playground? You can.
